Guilty, not guilty. Bad, bad, bad, human. Guilt can be a huge obstacle in terms of letting anxiety go. My guilt almost became an obsession. I felt these overwhelming waves of guilt and shame that I didn’t know how to not drown in. I started confessing everything I ever could have said or done that my be construed as bad. The thing was I had never purged enough and it was like being sick. I couldn’t stop the words coming up. I told people about any bad thought I ever had. I almost ruined my relationship by raining down on him anything I could think of that might make me a bad person… obviously this was incredibly hard to hear. I just felt like I couldn’t stop. I said something and I felt better for a few minutes a few minutes of calm before I found something else and the waves dragged me out to sea. The only thing I can relate it to is self harm, you do it you feel better for a few seconds then the guilt comes and you feel like the only way to stop it is to continue.
I started to keep a diary of each time I felt anxious and why, this included, day, time, how I felt physically, what I was thinking and how I distracted myself.
Unfortunately there is no quick fix like a lot of things in life you just have to just keep making small constant efforts to change. Shaking it off and distracting yourself until it goes away is really the only thing you can do. The good thing about waves is the eventually fall back and the more you shake them off the easier it gets.
What’s worse is I felt guilt for even daring to feel so bad, when nothing I percieved as ‘bad’ had actually happened to me. No earth shattering, horrible thing. How dare I feel so bad when people have it a lot worse? Guilt and shame for feeling guilt and shame! No matter what has or hasn’t happened to you, don’t punish yourself for feeling sad or anxious. Not helpful.
Your feelings are valid.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID!
You would never tell another person they aren’t allowed to feel sad because people have it worse. Be kind to yourself.
I have learnt to forgive myself and through writing it down I could even see the causes and aim to minimise them. It gets easier.